Neuroticism 101

Yeah that's me. A neurotic mo-fo. So I talked to G for a minute and I think all is good. I can't believe I started bawling on the phone though. *Whoa* He just said something that straight hit a sensitive bone in me. He ended the conversation with some really deep shit and that just kinda tripped me out. Seriously, he brings out a different side in me that I don't know if any other guy has brought out before, and sometimes I don't know how to handle it. Hence the name of this post. I am neurotic and emotional. Very emotional. Can't you tell? And sometimes it amazes me how much he puts up with just to be with me. I guess he must really love me and that is just so amazing to me. Usually I am the one putting up with a whole bunch of BS to be with a dude and the fact that the roles are somewhat reversed is a strange feeling to me.
Okay I haven't slept in a few so I am going to bed.

I'm Good....

Off relationships, that is. They are nothing but fuckin drama and BS. This was funny: today I was at the beach where I have been since Wednesday at a work conference. As I was walking to my car to drive home, I was thinking how much work relationships are. You work to get in one and work to stay in one; and do I have the strength or where-with-all to maintain one. I thought to myself "I don't think I do" and after tonight I am positive that I don't.

Honestly, I'm typing because I am angry, but Fuck G. Seriously. He comes off like he is all sincere and shit, but really he's just another dude with some good-ass conversation and game. I mean come on, I am not that fuckin dope and he comes off like he's SOOOO in love with me and all this BS but that's all it is. I don't believe it for one damn minute. Never have. It's all talk. I don't trust him nor what he tells me. So what I said something about this "close friend" shit. Old girl told me everything last year so I am already knowing what's he's all about and it's a gang of women and how he can get up in them. I'm sure he ran the same game on her, hell SHE told me he was moving to NM with her and her kids, and it sounds like when he sucked her dry that just went sour. He's got me completely fucked up if he honestly thinks I believe he is just "waiting on me." Okay whatever. Get that shit you asked me for last week from your "good friend" you are going to see tomorrow mmm-kay? Yeah okay, it's a guy....RIGHT. Like you are really about to say, "hey baby, I'm about to to stay with this female tomorrow night and go fuck her brains out, but am sooo in love with YOU baby"!!!! Yeah....let her help yo ass out. And you know what? I do think you're just like E. You just want to suck me dry like he did and then bounce....JUST LIKE HE DID. It's too long to get into, but I'm just cool off him, I'm cool off men and frankly I am cool off everything right about now. Seriously. Because the bottm line to this entire situation is that I absolutely refuse to let any man get close enough to me to hurt me again. EVER!!!!! Fuck that. I won't do it. I have been hurt sooo many times by men and their bullshit lies and E was the absolute worst. It's fucked up to love someone so much and they fuck you over like there is no tomorrow and then just walk the fuck off and basically throw your ass in the hamper like a wet towel after a shower with not a care in the world for how they fucked you up completely.

Speaking of which...all I wanna do is get fucked up right now and I am so irritated that I have to get up in the morning for my LAST FUCKIN CLASS-----HELL YEAH BABY!!!!! So fuck it....I'll be responsible and go tomorrow and get fucked up tomorrow night.....Awww yeah!!!!

Weekend....

Okay it is hotter than hell here and I wish to mother-effing goodness I had AC. So my weekend was CA-RAZY!!! But HELLA fun...I have not partied like that in a WHILE!!!

It started with Friday night...I went to go have drinks with my friend K. She wanted to talk because of all the drama that happened at my graduation dinner a few weeks ago, where her ass ran her mother-fuckin mouth at the dinner about personal business between E and I. to people she didn't even fuckin know, so I proceeded to blast her ass about that shit, so she wanted a chance to talk about it. So we met at Chevy's for drinks where I proceeded to get completely fucked up and then we went out downtown. The club we went to was whack, but I had a blast because I was drunk as hell and didn't give a fuck. Saturday I was hung-THE-fuck over but thanks to some how-to-cure-a-hangover tips from a certain someone I was cool as hell. Saturday night I went out with my other friend D, where I proceeded to repeat Friday all over again, but at a better club with better music and finer men...lol. My friend T is the manager there so he had my back all night long...drinks, VIP treatment, No cover...ah yeah baby!!


I am in a dilemma though..Next month I have a trip planned. At first K and I were going together, and we bought out plane tickets together too. Well when all the shit went down with her about the dinner and the fact that she invited her ghetto-ass friend E on the trip and E really has no money to be going and she expected me to have E's back while we were there and I went the fuck off about that too...I really expected that K and I weren't going anymore and she would just go with E. Welll....she apparently told E she couldn't go and still plans on just us going. Welllll, when I went off, I invited D to go and D already bought a ticket. K and D DO NOT get along. or should I say that D cannot stand K because of a similar situation that happened betweem D and K a few years ago where K ran her mouth about some of D's business and D damn near beat the girls ass over it. Sooooo now I don't know what to do. My first instinct is to tell K I'm cool and go with D. But after the weekend, K can be more fun than D so I don't know what to do! I'm caught up people!

Happy Birthday to me....

Here is it 1 AM on my birthday and I sit here listening to Destiny's Child's song.."Cater to you" and crying...whyyyy?????

For one....I am in awe because G is an absolutely amazing man and deep down it scares the living shit out of me. I mean he does so much for me, so much more than E has EVER done in the almost-five-years we were together. For example...G has a job interview today at 9:00 AM today and he is 2 hours ahead of me. He purposely stayed up until after midnight my time so could be the first one to sing happy birthday to me. Another example...this morning he set his alarm to call me at 6:30 AM because he knew I had a meeting and had to be to work by 8:30. As my half sleepy ass was listening to him talk, he got really quiet and he said "Brianna, I love you" and I said, "I love you too" and he said "I love you so very very much" and just the sound in his voice gave me shivers. I can't even describe it, but it was so sincere. A few hours later he texted me to make sure I got there on time and a few hours after that he called me just to talk. He said he had been sitting there thinking about me and that he just wanted to hear his baby's voice and tell her how much in love he was with her and how happy she was. Then he said he loved everything about me, from the way I carried myself to how I am with my kids, to how I am sexually, and even when I am being bitchy, he still loves me. Then he asked to speak to L, who is my admin and later told me he wanted to know what kind of Starbucks coffee I drank because he was hoping for a way to have one sent to me on days I was stressed out or running late so I could have a better day. He said L thanked him for keeping a smile on my face despite all the BS I have been going through and he said it was his pleasure and he fully intended on taking care of me. I am so scared..inside...because I want FINALLY to have a happy relationship; every single other relationship I've had has been pure bullshit, with E being the PUREST bullshit and hurt. G is so concerned about everything about me. The pessimistic doom and gloom side of me keeps saying "Okay Bri when is the other shoe going to drop and you find out all the crap....like he was 10 other women besides you that he's telling the same shit too, or he is a woman beater..." Something!!! I am just so used to things being so fucked up for me that I know there has got to be something else. I mean what is so great about me that he would want to do all these things for me?

For two...after I got off the phone with G, I logged into to telecommute to check my work e-mails and what the fuck do I see? An e-greeting card. Who is it from? E. So I forwarded it to my home e-mail and checked it. It's a birthday e-greeting with the following note:

i know u don't give a damn (since it's coming from me.) but i wanted to wish you a happy birthday. and i hope you have a wondeful day.
-ERIC

Pissed me the fuck off. So much so that I started bawling. I'm like why the fuck do you send me this shit??? Who fucking cares?? I mean you didn't give a damn enough about me to stay and try and work on the marriage so why care about my goddamn birthday??? Then I got even more mad because I was thinking, why do you let this shit get you that upset? So what...it is a birthday card...you saw it, but now don't respond. Who gives a fuck? But...bottom line, the shit still hurts and that's why it gets to me. But this yo-yo shit drives me up the fucking wall.

Wow...

Today is a good day, but in a weird way. Okay, so G and I are "officially" together. Last night he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said Yes. I think I'm ready for it. I don't consider him a rebound guy at all. When I think back on when C and I separated...J was a rebound guy. I think. But I was messing around with J before C and I even separated, and I thought I would be the next Mrs. Sheldon. That was a bust. Talk about karma...he was still married too! Hmph! But I'm not even mad about that.....anymore. LOL!

G and I have known each other for five years, and yes I have some concerns, but I can see such a difference in him and me. Plus it feels right to me. I wasn't cheating on E with him, we talked AFTER E left...and we have a history together. I don't know. I'm happy. I don't plan on being the same person I was before, this insecure, untrusting person. I am going to take what G tells me at face value and not trip on the little shit. As I mentioned in a previous post, its the little things that destroy relationships most of the time...so I am going to try something different and see where that gets me. Trial and error, don't you love this thing called life?? :-)~

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday since D was with my sister and niece and I had some time to myself. I started reading this book about women & LSE (low self-esteem). A pretty good read. I think I have that. A lot of the things they identifed as being charcteristics of someone with LSE I portray. I think I am going to go back and buy the book.

Okay I need to finish this paper and get it over to my team for school before they skin my hide. I have been putting this off for days. Later peeps!

I have officially decided...

I am fucked up...like in a major way. As hard as I try I cannot get control of my emotions. And that this is A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G to me. I have always prided myself on being pretty in control of my shit...my work, my finances, home, etc. etc. My emotions, I cannot seem to control, and I am sick and fuckin tired of going from one extreme to the other. Last week, I was a ranting raving bitch, going OFF about how I need to be alone, I am unworthy, blah..blah...blah. After that I go to this totally high state, where just yesterday I was talking to one of my clients and she was asking how I was doing and I was SOOO happy. Today, I feel like shit.. I hate life. Everything is on my nerves and I'm about ready to tear this fucking house apart, I am so angry. I hate this. Seriously. And I know why I am so angry, and it makes me even more angry that I let someone affect my emotions so much. This is exactly why I don't want to get involved with anyone. Because I can't handle this. I cannot handle feeling vulnerable and even the possibility of someone hurting me again makes me want to duck and cover...like forever. I don't trust my emotions, and that I make good decisions, but history has proven that I don't, especially when it comes to men.

I saw my counselor today and I totally forgot to tell her about last week. Where I flipped out after I saw her, and had this major crying spell where I told myself what my real fears are. That if someone were to truly find out who I am...I mean TRULY find out who I am, they would realize that in front of everyone, I got my shit together.....confident, smart, takes care of shit, etc. However...really...deep down, I am a mess. I'm scared most of the time and I greaty lack confidence. Who, in their right fucking mind would wanna mess with me? As soon as they find out who I "really am" they leave me. Truly...every close fear that I had came true with E: he cheated on me at my most vulnerable time (pregnancy) and ended up leaving me. I got nothing left emotionally for anyone. He drained me so much emotionally, that I feel complelety used up, and as hard as I try, I cannot fix it. I have no idea how to make myself whole again...

Okay

So I am not talking about G today because I think I really have to realistic in that situation is going to go nowhere. I really don't know WTF I was thinking. HELLO. muthafucka lives 2,600 miles away from me and I'm pretty fuckin sure my ass ain't THAT DOPE that he's going to seriously consider moving here again. He came here originally for a job, not my black ass. His whole life is there.....This whole "thing" is just all talk and fantasy. It is a dead-end. I am pretty sure this will turn out to be like every other situation I have ever been in, which is just me getting used. It's not like he hasn't done it to other women, and I know about it, so what would make me any different. I am so fuckin stupid. And I am irritated with myself that one again I tried to turn nothing into something.

I'm not trying to get on a soap-box but I don't think I have any business even trying to find someone. Honestly, I am not a good person. I am not pretty or thin and I have a horrible attitude. I don't have anything good to offer anyone. Yeah I got a job and I finished school, but I also have kids and a lot of emotional bullshit. I bring drama, and I don't know why. Isn't it evident? I meet a man, take care of this man for five mutha-fuckin years and he STILL leaves me for someone else. If me fully 100% taking care of someone and still getting left isn't a sign that I am completely fucked up, I don't know what is. I don't know how to have a happy relationship or be happy. As much as I want it, I don't even think I know what that is. Happiness. What does that feel like to have someone love you and you feel it? What does that feel like to feel secure and supported and listened to and cared about? I keep picking these fucking ass losers who don't give anything, but just take and take and take and I keep giving like an idiot, thinking that doing nice things for them and giving them emotional support will make them love me more and when I need them, they will give it back to me. Wrong. All they did was keep taking and keep taking. I feel like Angela Basset in "Waiting to Exhale" when she said "I thought if I gave him what he needed, he would give me what I needed" Nope. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I am so tired of being hurt over and over and over and making the same fucking mistakes over and over and over. You know this bullshit started when I was a child and has just continued all through adolesence and now adulthood, with me getting taken advantage of. I give up. Seriously.

I'm glad that's over.....

Meaning the long-ass holiday weekend. By yesterday I was ready for that shit to be over. Every-mother-fucking thing was getting on my nerves. This BS with E had me heated even more and I was just an emotional mess. Then it all came crushing down, I started my cycle. Ahhh-ha!! Now I know why I was about ready to get some C-4 and go blow some shit up!!

So G is mad at me....like really mad at me. I was such a fuckin disaster area yesterday that I didn't talk to him. On top of that, Monday night I downed a whole bottle of wine while talking to him on the phone and inevitably got drunk and started talking shit. Like BIG shit. Asking all kinds of crazy ass questions about shit that really wasn't my place to ask. So I felt stupid. Like super stupid. And I didn't want to talk to him. Anyhow so he called me like 4 times last night and a few times I honestly didn't hear the phone about 3 of those times and the 4th I just didn't answer. Sooo when I finally spoke with him today, he made it a point to let me know how he was very super pissed off in a major way that I "shut him out" Sooo when I started relaying why I didn't want to talk, he was like "and you didn't trust in me enough to tell me what was going on so we could talk it out and I could calm you down"....Ummm NO...see because that would be indicative of a good man and HELLO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS!! Did you forget who I have been with for the last five years??? Sooo I was talking to him when I was on my way to school tonight, and when I got to school I asked if he would still be awake when I got out of school and he said yes and we would talk later. However I know G all to well. He is a Gemini and an evil muthafucka and will make a point to get even with yo ass if he feels you have "wronged" him. So I call him when I get outta school, and he doesn't answer the phone and hasn't called me back either. That was over an hour ago. This is his way of saying.....see how that shit feel when you get shut out for no apparent reason? Yeah....I see.

This is a long one....

Look at this fine ass man coming from church today:




It's probably wrong for me to keep cussing especially since it's a church picture....but GODDAMN he is looking NICE!! Okay I'm done now. No more cussing. I feel bad. Okay just one more....FUCK!!!

So I'm sure all my fans are getting sick of me talking about him, but okay just one more. So I think he loves me. Like REALLY loves me. Talking to him is such a trip. We are so alike in so many ways its uncanny. We were talking tonight and he was telling me about an ex-girlfriend and some of the issues that tore them apart. One in particular that tripped me out was that he wanted to spend quality time with her and actually went out his way to do so. Like planning little surprise outings and what not. I'm sitting there thinking whaaaaattt theeee fuuuuuuuuckkk??? You actually WANTED to spend time her? And SHE had an issue with that? Whoa....that is some major shit! I guess I am coming from the days of E where his idea of QT was hittin it at 4 AM and then as soon as he was done coming back downstairs to watch TV or play video games. Or going to the movies? I NEVER understood what the fuck is quality about sitting in a movie theater drinking soda and watching a movie. There ain't no conversation involved, unless "babe, can you please pass the popcorn" is considered conversation.

When I think about all the shit that happened and what eventually tore it apart, it was not the big shit, but the little shit. Like when I would come try and hug him and he's literally push me off him saying "I don't wanna be bothered" right now. And I would go upstairs and cry about it. Or when I'd come and try to sit next to him on the couch for some attention and he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence except to let me know how thoroughly irritated he was that I was taking up space on the couch and now he wasn't as comfortable as he was before I sat down. I think the end for me came when I was so stressed out from work I made a comment to him that I was thinking of taking a few days off work. It's not like I couldn't I have done it; I have accrued the maximum amount of vacation time so a few days would definitely not hurt me. Anyhow when I told him, he looked at me, sighed really heavily and said "Great....YOU'LL be here." and walked the fuck off. I was so hurt I didn't even take the days off. When the person you're with has no desire to spend time with you, and you've stopped communicating the relationship is over.

To me, being with someone should bring you joy, and you should WANT to do things for them. I honestly don't think I'm this super complex chick. I just want to feel loved. Is that so bad? I should never have to question: Does my man love me? I should know it, by not only his words, but more importantly his actions. And he should feel the same from me. I want to spend quality time with him, even if it's just chilling at home sippin on a little somethin and talking about life, love and the pursuit of happiness and everything in between. I want to feel secure. OMG. I think that is paramount for a woman...security. To feel that if some shit pops off, my man has my mothafuckin back and won't dip at the drop of a hat. When I think back I never felt secure with E. I always knew that if something were to happen to my job, we'd be screwed in a major way. It ain't like he'd go get a job and make sure everything was taken care of. That is a horrible feeling to be married and feel like you have NO support.

Anyway, when I think about G, He is that man. He pays attention to so many things and I love that. He takes an interest in my kids. He is the type that would call me at work and ask me how my day was going. If I said it was a bad day, I would come home to a chilled glass of wine waiting and a hot bath with my favorite bath salts in the water. He would listen to my day and offer suggestions. If we were walking in the mall and I saw a pair of shoes I liked, a few days later I would come home to them waiting for me. He loves making me smile. He is spontaneous and so good around people. There are so many things that have caused these deeply intense feelings for him. When we talk about it, he says he feels the same way that I do. I keep asking myself, could he be the one? I don't know, and I'm scared to find out. Love is such a leap of faith and I am just so scared of falling and having no one there to catch me....again.

It's only a little past noon....

And my ass is already tipsy. Seriously this divorce thing has turned me into a full-fledged alcoholic.....LOL I have developed a LOVE for Riesling wine and I make sure I have a bottle in my refrigerator every day so my homegirl can greet me whenever I need her to...I love her man!!!!

Soooooo had a very deep conversation with "other guy" last night. As my previous post said I didn't think I'd hear from him for a minute, but he did end up calling me, much to my surprise. Soooo 2 hours later we were talking and I ask the question....have you played this situation out in your mind? His response was yes he had and he totally sees us married, happy blah blah blah...but that his only concern was me because he knows I have been married and divorced before E and what are my views on marriage. I couldn't front. I told him I'm gun shy. HELLOOOOO I just got used up like a mother-fuckin tampon people! Hell yeah I am scared of getting married again. This pain is something I NEVER want to feel again. I would love to fall in love and get married and be with that person for the rest of my life, but if there is the slighest hint that I will have to experience the pain I am feeling now again....I'm cool. I'll stay with my homegirl Riesling for a little while longer, ya heard?


On a secondary note, there is "another guy"....M. He's 38 and lives in CA. The "other guy is 35. Well M and I used to talk ALOT back in the day but life just led us different ways. A few months ago, he "revealed" he still " has a thing for me"....so we've been just e-mailing back and forth. Well. last night, I got an offline message on Yahoo from him:

(7/2/2006 3:47:22 AM): you are fine ...you are fine... you are fine, and I reallyyyyy want you nowwwww!!!!

Hmmmm I think that came from the fact that I created a 360 blog and posted some pics and he must have seen them. The absolutey ironic part to this whole sitatution is that M and G have the EXACT SAME birthday!!!!! WTF??? Isn't that crazy?


I am officially caught the-fuck-up. To add to my dramatic situation, I am going to Phoenix over Labor Day weekend for my friend's bachelorette party, and I've been on BP and Myspace straight getting my meet ONNNN, so I can have some peeps to "kick it with" when I get there. Now I have these 2 to add to my mix. Allright...I need to go get some more Riesling....my bottle is empty....LOL.

Bring on the Anger!!!

So yesterday I got to check my bank account, as I do every day (I'm anal retentive when it comes to my money....WHAT??!!!??) and see a debit to my account I don't know shit about. So upon further investigation it is a debit from Game Crazy...When E was still here he subscribed to this service; it's like NetFlix for video games and they charged my debit card for it each month, because as we all remember...muthafucka didn't have no JOB. Anyhow when he announced he was leaving I went online and cancelled the shit so they wouldn't continue to charge my card. Well this triflin ass nigga didn't return one of the games so they charged me for it. I was so fuckin heated and irritated I couldn't see straight. So I called my bank. They told me to call the merchant. I did. THEY told me basically "give us the game we will give you your damn money back" Period. That's it. I'm fucked. So after trying to argue with them for another 10 minutes and them refusing to budge, I called my bank back and long story short, I have to send them a letter stating I do not authorize this charge, and they will credit me back, but they also have to block my debit card and issue a new one soooo I have no debit card for like week. People. I LIVE off my debit card. I NEVER carry cash....this truly sucks.

So in my grand irritation, I send this nigga an e-mail simply stating that he needed to return the game or give them his credit card number because I a'int paying for this bullshit. I checked my e-mails this afternoon and here is his response:


i snet those games back weeks ago. sometimes it takes a while for them to reach there, but i sware i sent them everthing back. how is D doing? is it ok if i call the house to speak to him? how are you doing? congratulations on your graduation. when i get some money, i will buy D whatever he needs, or i will send you cash, whatever you prefer.
-E

Gotta love a college education at it's finest, mothafucka can't even spell. First of all, you ain't got not job TOMMY, how the fuck are you buying D a damn thing? Secondly, NOW you are trying to be daddy of the fuckin year and be all concerned about D? FUCK YOU!!! And all the questions about me? KISS MY ENTIRE BLACK ASS!!! Seriously.....shouldn't you be kickin it in Cali? I'm surprised you even have time to e-mail you should be just all up in the mix! After all, you need to "blaze your own trail" remember???? When I first read it I cried, now I am just furious. This feeble-sounding bullshit ass e-mail just infuriates me. I realize it's only been a few weeks, but this yo-yo emotional bullshit is for the birds.

On top of that "other guy" is in the streets, so who knows when I will hear from him again. Honestly this is the side of him that I don't like. When he gets around his friends and starts drinking and thuggin, I'm turned off. I like the sweet guy that is so understanding and concerned, but when he starts getting around his friends all of a sudden he's actin all hard and shit, and trying to live this hood rate lifestyle that I am completely cool off of. I knew this would be a fucked up weekend....

What a damn week.....

It was long and I'm glad this shit is OVER....But I'm a little depressed at the long holiday weekend because it will just be me and D. T & J are with their dad this weekend. Starting next weekend they are with their dad for TWO weeks!!! It's a part of their dad's and my divorce decree that we each get them for 2 uninterrupted weeks in the summer. What will I do without the two of them for that long? I don't know what we are going to do this weekend and it kinda bothers me. On the other hand I don't know why I'm trippin over it because it's not like E ever had these fan-fucking-tabulous plans for us to do stuff anyway. I mean why would he do that? That would have taken away from him thinking about himself. I think I am still a little sad that I am alone...again.

On a more positive note, I started seeing a therapist, and yesterday was my first appointment. I know that I have many demons in my past that I need to deal with from my childhood and what better time than the present to start dealing witht them. I really feel that me NOT dealing with them has had such a profound impact on my life because it affects SO many things. Even in the one hour that I was with her, the comments she made have really got me thinking because she brought up points that I have never thought about. I think this will be a good thing.

Talked to "the guy" again tonight. I don't know. My head is completely fucked up. I mean on the one hand we have such intimate conversations and if what he tells me is true, he is really feelin' me like in a MAJOR way and has for a long time. On the other hand, the nigga is like Cassidy "I'm a hustla, I'ma I'ma hustla homie" and I don't like that. On the other hand, he lives about 2,000 miles away from me!!! WTF???!! Although he did make a comment that his little brother told him they should move back here, since as he put it "he knows how I feel about you"....Ummm can I know? But then again I don't want to know because that takes this situation to a whole other level that I-for-damn-sure am not ready to got. Plus, you never know, that could be all BS talk.....I don't know. I'm tired and am going to bed. Goodnight all.