Yeah So....

Who knows but I'm back on my bullshit. I really truly honestly need to end this fucking relationship. Because this is some bullshit and you got me completely fucked up if I will let another nigga hurt me like E did. I told my counselor this the other day when I talked with her and I'm saying it again today. I don't trust anyone. I never have and I never will and you cannot trust that people's intentions are real and they will do what is right by you. My instincts are telling me this is some bullshit so that's what I need to go with. Here are a few examples:

Example #1:

Last week we were not getting along AT FUCKING ALL. Everything was turning into a major fucking arugment. So one morning he calls to wake me up and tells me his phone is broken, so he does not have a phone. Now in previous conversations he has told me that he has two phones, one PDA phone and another phone. So any reasonable person would just switch to the other phone is one was broken. No. he leaves this LONG ASS voice mail when you call his cell phone number, saying he is without a phone and please leave a message he'll be checking the VM frequently...blah, blah, blah. Later after we talked shit out, he tells me he threw his phone because he was mad because we "were not good". Long story short, he says he needs $50.00 to get a new phone from the equipment replacement insurance. So I pay for it. A few days later I started bitching because my cell phone is really trippin and I need a new one and he and I have the same carrier. He tells me when the new phone comes he will send me his old phone. WTF??I thought you broke it? So I question him on it and he tells me that was a different phone that he broke? Umm what? That doesn't make sense. What I think, is that nigga lied to me to get me to pay the $50.00 to get the new phone he wanted.

Example #2:

Last Saturday he was at a friends house getting his mom's car fixed. Since he said he didn't have a phone he had to wait till he got to his brother's house to use his cell phone to call me. So he calls around 11:00 PM his time and says he's done getting the car fixed and on his way back home which was like 1 1/2 hours away. So I wait like 2 hours and call his house. No answer. So I call again and again. No answer. Long story short I am freaking out thinking something has happened so I get up at the ass crack of dawn on Sunday and start calling. Still no answer. Finally I call J his brother and I'm like "Have you heard from G" J is like "Yes" I was like "Umm he there?" J was like "Yes he is asleep. He ended up going back to his friend's house and it got too late so he decided not to drive back home so he came back here and went to sleep" Umm I couldn't get a fuckin phone call? What I think is that he went back over there to be with some girl or girls and didn't want me to know so he just didn't call.

Example #3

Today. I get to work and get off the phone. Don't get a phone call all damn day. I finally call around 6:30 my time and his phone goes to VM. I page him. He texts me about 2 minutes later and says "Gimme a few mins. Back in hospital with moms" I respond with "okay..take your time and call me when you can." He was at the hospital earlier today because his mom had minor surgery on her hand. I know that because I heard his mom talking about it and he called me this morning from the hospital. Anyhow, a few minutes later I am talking to my homegirl on the phone and I'm also on my laptop so I log into Yahoo! Messenger as invisible. What do I see? This motha-fucka is logged in Messenger saying he's on mobile, meaning through his phone. That was over an hour ago and I still haven't received a phone call. So let me get this bullshit straight. You can't call the woman you are SOOO in love with because you are dealing with your mom but you can be chillin on Yahoo Messenger? And I'm supposed to believe you are talking to a bunch of niggas right? This brings me right back to the conversation with old girl a few years ago.

All these are signs man. I am like the song. Either love me or leave me alone. Seriously. I don't understand why you would even want to fuck with my emotions like that, KNOWING all the bullshit I been through. If you are feelin like you wanna holla at a bunch of bitches or do whatever you're doing then just leave me the fuck alone. Seriously. I wish E never left. Despite all the BS at least he was here and I could pretend I had this happy marriage. Yeah he dogged e out, but I deserved it. I will always only get dudes who I bend over backwards for and who shit all over me. Look at me. I am not beautiful. I am fat, dumpy and grotesque looking. I am so disgusting, so why would somebody want to be with me and be there for me? I will never be happy and have what I long for the most which is a happy loving relationship. I just hate myself I swear to God. I don't even know why I exist.

So...

I've been on my "trying something different" for a few days now and it's kinda working I think. Like tonight, I talked to G when I first got home from work and he was kinda getting on my nerves because he was getting irritable. Soooo he said he was going to go and to call him back after I got settled in at home. So I called my girl D...worked out, went and fed the kids, etc. etc. and called him back about 10:30. His ass didn't answer the phone so I paged him to call me back. No return phone call.

Now the "normal" me would have tripped and started worrying about why he wasn't calling me back. The "new me" don't give a fuck. Whatever. If I talk to him I talk to him, I am not trippin on the shit at all. I am kinda liking this...it's so liberating!!!

Trying something different....

So I have been thinking a lot about myself and what an emotional mo-fo I am..and I kinda don't like it. I think I need to be more carefree....so fuck it. I am not going to sweat emotional ass bullshit for a while anymore. I am so tired of being upset and crying and all that bullshit all the time. Fuck it. So whatever happens is just what happens. I have spent so much time focusing on the bullshit.....now I just want to enjoy my life, and smile more and cry less!! So we will see how it goes!!!

Like I have been sitting around most of the week waiting on G's phone calls. Fuck that. That nigga knows my cell phone number, hell!!! On top of that, I have been focusing on the wrong shit? Does G really love me? What can I do to make him happy? Question after Question I keep running in my head, and if I was a dude messing with me, shit, I would drive ME crazy!!! So I am not gonna focus on any of that bullshit..whatever happens is just what happens. I want to ENJOY my damn life, not worry the shit away! LOL!!!

Once Again

This man amazes me. I've been off all week on vacation and lord have mercy this has to be the longest week of my mother-fuckin life!!! I have all three kids and these niggas are getting on my goddamn N-E-R-V-E-S!!! They are just doing to stupidest ass shit and I don't understand WHY they do it. I told my son T to water the bushes in the backyard. I come outside to check the progress and this nigga is watering everything BUT the fuckin bushes. Matter of fact, he is watering the whole damn neighborhood! I was like WTF???? All I can say is Monday cannot get here fast enough, at least at work I can fuck off in peace and quiet!! LOL!

*I digress*

Sooo because I am off, I spend 90% of my time talking to G. I kid you not, today, I talked to him for like 8 hours. From 3:00 or so until about 9:30, then again from about 10:30 - 12:30 AM. Goodness!!! Anyhow, I had a bit of an emotional moment when I asked him if he felt I was weak and he said with E he felt I was. I lost it...started straight bawling on the phone. Yes, an emotional wreck I am!! He was straight sleepy and stayed on the phone with me, talking it through. To the average person, maybe that isn't a big deal, but to me it is paramount. I have never had a guy spend that much time and energy on me and yes it's just a phone conversation, but it means a lot that he even takes the time to talk things though with me. I swear I love him more deeply each and every day.

Fears

If it's not apparently obvious yet, I am an extremely emotional person and I base a lot of my decsions on my emotions. Sometimes to my detriment. Because I am such an emotional person, I am also very introspective and try to think a lot about myself and how I can be a better person. As I have posted about 655,000 times now about G, I realize that I love him very deeply and I can only think of one other man that I have loved like this. He makes me so happy and I see such a wonderful future for us. My fear, is that I will fuck it up with my bullshit. You would think it would be so easy to just say one day, "I am not going to be this way anymore and I'm doing a complete 180 degree turn and all the ways I've had for years I will no longer have" It's not that easy. All I want to do is make him happy and it tears me apart when I upset or anger him. Is that crazy? What does that mean? I want to be something to him that no other woman has been and I fear that I cannot give him that. I want him to always smile when he thinks of me and think "Damn I love that woman and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her and I would NEVER hurt her" and live by that. Somehow I think that is in my control and based on my influence. Every time we've had a situation come up and he gets upset I am ready to hear him say "Brianna I can't do this anymore and I am breaking up with you".

I think I honestly fear happiness. I fear that this man could be exactly what I have been searching for, and love me till the ends of the earth. All the things I have dreamed about: Someone I can laugh with, someone who understands me, someone who loves me so very much, who satisfies my sexual desires and who makes me feel secure. I feel all these things with him, but after so many heartbreaks I don't trust it. I keep waiting for the "something else"...you know? The other shoe to drop and for all of my high hopes to come crashing down. And then I will be back to square one....again.