Head Trippin....

Okay...so like it's any big shocker that I am a nosy mo-fo...Sooo I decide to get online last night on my space, about this same time and check my myspace account. I start e-mailing back and forth with this guy and in my nosiness, I decide to look at S's page, and notice he's changed it!!! He's changed his status to "In a Relationship" and indicated he is only online for "friends and networking" I was like WTF??? However, I also noticed that he added another friend, some girl that lives in Portland, and says her boyfriend is a loser. I also know that he had a personals ad on Yahoo Personals that he deleted and he deleted another personals profile he had set up. So I trip off this shit all night like damn, it's either one of two things, he is really falling for me or he is talking to another girl and has fallen for her. Which I have a hard time believing it's me because if that were the case, wouldn't he say something to me?!? Also I haven't talked to him since Saturday which is not uncommon for us, but how do you decide you are "with" someone and straight not tell them?!? So I am pretty sure he is talking about another female. But then why would he tell his mom and his boys about me? Maybe that's a lie?

So anyway...today I get online to check again and he's marked his profile to private so I can't see anything! So later that night I go online to old girl's profile and she is talking about how her ex-boyfriend is a chronic cheater and hurt her really bad and wrote some blog about it. I am like WTF? Is she talking about S? I notice that S is her only friend except "Tom" who is everyone's fuckin friend!!! So I don't know what to think and I am not about to talk to him about it because really...who gives a damn?!? I mean seriously as long as I am in this state, I can do whatever the hell I wanna do without having to answer to anyone! I am just really head trippin right now.... I don't know what to think....

The Verdict Is...

Wow, I kept y'all waiting, huh? So you wanna know...huh? huh? Okay so the verdict is that I am not pregnant. The blood test came back negative. So my doctor called me and said most likely I had miscarried because it's apparently nearly impossible to have a false positive test. Sure enough, on Saturday I started my period and it was heavy and LONG!! But I am not pregnant so I was pretty relieved about that. So the next week, I saw S for Valentine's Day, and I ended up telling him the whole story. He took it a lot better than what I thought he would and said that he kinda figured I was. He seemed a little sad that I was not and said if I had gotten an abortion and not told him about it, he wouldn't have wanted to see me anymore.

So I saw him again last night/today. We went to a Blazer game together with one of my clients and her husband and he ended up coming to my house afterwards and then we spent the day together today. Although I was hung over to high heaven today and my head was pounding and discovered that in my drunken state last night I lost my debit card. Good Job, B!!! So now I have to go the rest of the weekend with NO access to my bank account accept writing a check..who does that?!? But the more time I spend with him the more I realize that I am developing really strong feelings for him and I think he is for me also. He told me last night that he has told all his boys and his mom about me!!! WTF??!? But I am smiling about it!!

Finding Out Tomorrow....

If I am indeed pregnant or not. Since my last post....a bit has happened. That first pregnancy test I took was positive, but I took another one a few days later...negative. So I took another one the next morning...negative. So I thought..COOL! I just got a false positive and I'm straight! So I have been kickin it! Had a few glasses of wine etc. etc. Tuesday rolls around and my period does NOT come, and I am the most regular female ever. So then Wednesday rolls around, still..nothing. Add to that my boobs hurt and I feel sick my stomach. So I called my OB/GYN's office and tell them what's going on and they tell me to come in for a blood test. I did that this morning and the results should be in tomorrow....Their office opens at 8:30 and I will be calling at 8:30! But I have a meeting at the same time but don't think I won't step out that bitch to make this phone call...fuck that!

On the flip side, I am straight upset. Have not heard from S at all, other than a text message last week that said "Yeah! So I broke it....How are you, B? It's been too long!!!" The broke it meant the silence I guess. I am not one to call and sweat a dude. If he doesn't call me we don't talk. Fuck that. I am not about to be one of them callin all the time females. So anyhow, I responded and he hasn't responded back. So he still knows none of this other "stuff" has been happening which is good I guess. I would rather wait till I know for sure. But despite all this drama, I miss him like crazy. The other day I even got teary-eyed over it. Maybe that's because I am an emotional mo-fo due to the "almost pregnancy" thing.

Oh I have a picture of him. Here it is:

I'll post an update tomorrow. Goodnight all.

Just When I Thought Shit Was Complicated Enough...

I took a pregnancy test tonight because I have been feeling like pure garbage the last few days. Came back positive. Yes people, I just found out I am pregnant. Imagine the look on my face when I looked down at the stick and it popped up "pregnant". I must have sat on the edge of my bed for like an hour just staring at the wall thinking, "Are you kidding me?!?" I have only told a few of my girlfriends, but I have not told S and certainly not G. Yes, S is the baby-daddy.

A whole range emotions are going through me right now....Do I keep it? Do I tell S? Does he have a right to know? Should I just get rid of it and not tell him? Is that fair? What if I decide to keep it? What about G? Fuck the dumbshit, what about me? What do I want to do? Hell, I don't even know. One minute, I'm like okay I am gonna have another baby, that's cool...obviously it was meant to be or I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, right? Another part of me is like? Mo-Fo....you already got 3 that are you taking care of, you don't need anymore! Get rid of it! Then you can go back to kickin it and drinkin and all that! Is that selfish of me? Abortion isn't birth control and it's not the baby's fault that she's here. That's the other part...I have always predicted what I was having and was right. My gut is that this is a girl. I already have a name picked out for her: Alaina Renee Mohr. Then I'm thinking why in the hell am I picking out names? What am I thinking? I have no idea. See how I go back and forth? I'm like psychotic I swear.

Then I think, if I tell S, how do I tell him? Am I ruining his life with this? He is only 26 and it's not like he's professed his long lasting love for me. Homey got issues with shit like that. I mean I can sense he's pretty into me but this is a bombshell.....a big ass bomshell!!! Like Hiroshima big!!! How do you say that? Do I joke about it? Call him? Text him? What?!?

My head is in circles. Plus I am feeling nauseous...again. Goodnight all.