Just When I Thought Shit Was Complicated Enough...

I took a pregnancy test tonight because I have been feeling like pure garbage the last few days. Came back positive. Yes people, I just found out I am pregnant. Imagine the look on my face when I looked down at the stick and it popped up "pregnant". I must have sat on the edge of my bed for like an hour just staring at the wall thinking, "Are you kidding me?!?" I have only told a few of my girlfriends, but I have not told S and certainly not G. Yes, S is the baby-daddy.

A whole range emotions are going through me right now....Do I keep it? Do I tell S? Does he have a right to know? Should I just get rid of it and not tell him? Is that fair? What if I decide to keep it? What about G? Fuck the dumbshit, what about me? What do I want to do? Hell, I don't even know. One minute, I'm like okay I am gonna have another baby, that's cool...obviously it was meant to be or I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, right? Another part of me is like? Mo-Fo....you already got 3 that are you taking care of, you don't need anymore! Get rid of it! Then you can go back to kickin it and drinkin and all that! Is that selfish of me? Abortion isn't birth control and it's not the baby's fault that she's here. That's the other part...I have always predicted what I was having and was right. My gut is that this is a girl. I already have a name picked out for her: Alaina Renee Mohr. Then I'm thinking why in the hell am I picking out names? What am I thinking? I have no idea. See how I go back and forth? I'm like psychotic I swear.

Then I think, if I tell S, how do I tell him? Am I ruining his life with this? He is only 26 and it's not like he's professed his long lasting love for me. Homey got issues with shit like that. I mean I can sense he's pretty into me but this is a bombshell.....a big ass bomshell!!! Like Hiroshima big!!! How do you say that? Do I joke about it? Call him? Text him? What?!?

My head is in circles. Plus I am feeling nauseous...again. Goodnight all.