Fears

If it's not apparently obvious yet, I am an extremely emotional person and I base a lot of my decsions on my emotions. Sometimes to my detriment. Because I am such an emotional person, I am also very introspective and try to think a lot about myself and how I can be a better person. As I have posted about 655,000 times now about G, I realize that I love him very deeply and I can only think of one other man that I have loved like this. He makes me so happy and I see such a wonderful future for us. My fear, is that I will fuck it up with my bullshit. You would think it would be so easy to just say one day, "I am not going to be this way anymore and I'm doing a complete 180 degree turn and all the ways I've had for years I will no longer have" It's not that easy. All I want to do is make him happy and it tears me apart when I upset or anger him. Is that crazy? What does that mean? I want to be something to him that no other woman has been and I fear that I cannot give him that. I want him to always smile when he thinks of me and think "Damn I love that woman and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her and I would NEVER hurt her" and live by that. Somehow I think that is in my control and based on my influence. Every time we've had a situation come up and he gets upset I am ready to hear him say "Brianna I can't do this anymore and I am breaking up with you".

I think I honestly fear happiness. I fear that this man could be exactly what I have been searching for, and love me till the ends of the earth. All the things I have dreamed about: Someone I can laugh with, someone who understands me, someone who loves me so very much, who satisfies my sexual desires and who makes me feel secure. I feel all these things with him, but after so many heartbreaks I don't trust it. I keep waiting for the "something else"...you know? The other shoe to drop and for all of my high hopes to come crashing down. And then I will be back to square one....again.