Happy Birthday to me....

Here is it 1 AM on my birthday and I sit here listening to Destiny's Child's song.."Cater to you" and crying...whyyyy?????

For one....I am in awe because G is an absolutely amazing man and deep down it scares the living shit out of me. I mean he does so much for me, so much more than E has EVER done in the almost-five-years we were together. For example...G has a job interview today at 9:00 AM today and he is 2 hours ahead of me. He purposely stayed up until after midnight my time so could be the first one to sing happy birthday to me. Another example...this morning he set his alarm to call me at 6:30 AM because he knew I had a meeting and had to be to work by 8:30. As my half sleepy ass was listening to him talk, he got really quiet and he said "Brianna, I love you" and I said, "I love you too" and he said "I love you so very very much" and just the sound in his voice gave me shivers. I can't even describe it, but it was so sincere. A few hours later he texted me to make sure I got there on time and a few hours after that he called me just to talk. He said he had been sitting there thinking about me and that he just wanted to hear his baby's voice and tell her how much in love he was with her and how happy she was. Then he said he loved everything about me, from the way I carried myself to how I am with my kids, to how I am sexually, and even when I am being bitchy, he still loves me. Then he asked to speak to L, who is my admin and later told me he wanted to know what kind of Starbucks coffee I drank because he was hoping for a way to have one sent to me on days I was stressed out or running late so I could have a better day. He said L thanked him for keeping a smile on my face despite all the BS I have been going through and he said it was his pleasure and he fully intended on taking care of me. I am so scared..inside...because I want FINALLY to have a happy relationship; every single other relationship I've had has been pure bullshit, with E being the PUREST bullshit and hurt. G is so concerned about everything about me. The pessimistic doom and gloom side of me keeps saying "Okay Bri when is the other shoe going to drop and you find out all the crap....like he was 10 other women besides you that he's telling the same shit too, or he is a woman beater..." Something!!! I am just so used to things being so fucked up for me that I know there has got to be something else. I mean what is so great about me that he would want to do all these things for me?

For two...after I got off the phone with G, I logged into to telecommute to check my work e-mails and what the fuck do I see? An e-greeting card. Who is it from? E. So I forwarded it to my home e-mail and checked it. It's a birthday e-greeting with the following note:

i know u don't give a damn (since it's coming from me.) but i wanted to wish you a happy birthday. and i hope you have a wondeful day.
-ERIC

Pissed me the fuck off. So much so that I started bawling. I'm like why the fuck do you send me this shit??? Who fucking cares?? I mean you didn't give a damn enough about me to stay and try and work on the marriage so why care about my goddamn birthday??? Then I got even more mad because I was thinking, why do you let this shit get you that upset? So what...it is a birthday card...you saw it, but now don't respond. Who gives a fuck? But...bottom line, the shit still hurts and that's why it gets to me. But this yo-yo shit drives me up the fucking wall.