Okay

So I am not talking about G today because I think I really have to realistic in that situation is going to go nowhere. I really don't know WTF I was thinking. HELLO. muthafucka lives 2,600 miles away from me and I'm pretty fuckin sure my ass ain't THAT DOPE that he's going to seriously consider moving here again. He came here originally for a job, not my black ass. His whole life is there.....This whole "thing" is just all talk and fantasy. It is a dead-end. I am pretty sure this will turn out to be like every other situation I have ever been in, which is just me getting used. It's not like he hasn't done it to other women, and I know about it, so what would make me any different. I am so fuckin stupid. And I am irritated with myself that one again I tried to turn nothing into something.

I'm not trying to get on a soap-box but I don't think I have any business even trying to find someone. Honestly, I am not a good person. I am not pretty or thin and I have a horrible attitude. I don't have anything good to offer anyone. Yeah I got a job and I finished school, but I also have kids and a lot of emotional bullshit. I bring drama, and I don't know why. Isn't it evident? I meet a man, take care of this man for five mutha-fuckin years and he STILL leaves me for someone else. If me fully 100% taking care of someone and still getting left isn't a sign that I am completely fucked up, I don't know what is. I don't know how to have a happy relationship or be happy. As much as I want it, I don't even think I know what that is. Happiness. What does that feel like to have someone love you and you feel it? What does that feel like to feel secure and supported and listened to and cared about? I keep picking these fucking ass losers who don't give anything, but just take and take and take and I keep giving like an idiot, thinking that doing nice things for them and giving them emotional support will make them love me more and when I need them, they will give it back to me. Wrong. All they did was keep taking and keep taking. I feel like Angela Basset in "Waiting to Exhale" when she said "I thought if I gave him what he needed, he would give me what I needed" Nope. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I am so tired of being hurt over and over and over and making the same fucking mistakes over and over and over. You know this bullshit started when I was a child and has just continued all through adolesence and now adulthood, with me getting taken advantage of. I give up. Seriously.