I have officially decided...

I am fucked up...like in a major way. As hard as I try I cannot get control of my emotions. And that this is A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G to me. I have always prided myself on being pretty in control of my shit...my work, my finances, home, etc. etc. My emotions, I cannot seem to control, and I am sick and fuckin tired of going from one extreme to the other. Last week, I was a ranting raving bitch, going OFF about how I need to be alone, I am unworthy, blah..blah...blah. After that I go to this totally high state, where just yesterday I was talking to one of my clients and she was asking how I was doing and I was SOOO happy. Today, I feel like shit.. I hate life. Everything is on my nerves and I'm about ready to tear this fucking house apart, I am so angry. I hate this. Seriously. And I know why I am so angry, and it makes me even more angry that I let someone affect my emotions so much. This is exactly why I don't want to get involved with anyone. Because I can't handle this. I cannot handle feeling vulnerable and even the possibility of someone hurting me again makes me want to duck and cover...like forever. I don't trust my emotions, and that I make good decisions, but history has proven that I don't, especially when it comes to men.

I saw my counselor today and I totally forgot to tell her about last week. Where I flipped out after I saw her, and had this major crying spell where I told myself what my real fears are. That if someone were to truly find out who I am...I mean TRULY find out who I am, they would realize that in front of everyone, I got my shit together.....confident, smart, takes care of shit, etc. However...really...deep down, I am a mess. I'm scared most of the time and I greaty lack confidence. Who, in their right fucking mind would wanna mess with me? As soon as they find out who I "really am" they leave me. Truly...every close fear that I had came true with E: he cheated on me at my most vulnerable time (pregnancy) and ended up leaving me. I got nothing left emotionally for anyone. He drained me so much emotionally, that I feel complelety used up, and as hard as I try, I cannot fix it. I have no idea how to make myself whole again...