Yeah So....

Who knows but I'm back on my bullshit. I really truly honestly need to end this fucking relationship. Because this is some bullshit and you got me completely fucked up if I will let another nigga hurt me like E did. I told my counselor this the other day when I talked with her and I'm saying it again today. I don't trust anyone. I never have and I never will and you cannot trust that people's intentions are real and they will do what is right by you. My instincts are telling me this is some bullshit so that's what I need to go with. Here are a few examples:

Example #1:

Last week we were not getting along AT FUCKING ALL. Everything was turning into a major fucking arugment. So one morning he calls to wake me up and tells me his phone is broken, so he does not have a phone. Now in previous conversations he has told me that he has two phones, one PDA phone and another phone. So any reasonable person would just switch to the other phone is one was broken. No. he leaves this LONG ASS voice mail when you call his cell phone number, saying he is without a phone and please leave a message he'll be checking the VM frequently...blah, blah, blah. Later after we talked shit out, he tells me he threw his phone because he was mad because we "were not good". Long story short, he says he needs $50.00 to get a new phone from the equipment replacement insurance. So I pay for it. A few days later I started bitching because my cell phone is really trippin and I need a new one and he and I have the same carrier. He tells me when the new phone comes he will send me his old phone. WTF??I thought you broke it? So I question him on it and he tells me that was a different phone that he broke? Umm what? That doesn't make sense. What I think, is that nigga lied to me to get me to pay the $50.00 to get the new phone he wanted.

Example #2:

Last Saturday he was at a friends house getting his mom's car fixed. Since he said he didn't have a phone he had to wait till he got to his brother's house to use his cell phone to call me. So he calls around 11:00 PM his time and says he's done getting the car fixed and on his way back home which was like 1 1/2 hours away. So I wait like 2 hours and call his house. No answer. So I call again and again. No answer. Long story short I am freaking out thinking something has happened so I get up at the ass crack of dawn on Sunday and start calling. Still no answer. Finally I call J his brother and I'm like "Have you heard from G" J is like "Yes" I was like "Umm he there?" J was like "Yes he is asleep. He ended up going back to his friend's house and it got too late so he decided not to drive back home so he came back here and went to sleep" Umm I couldn't get a fuckin phone call? What I think is that he went back over there to be with some girl or girls and didn't want me to know so he just didn't call.

Example #3

Today. I get to work and get off the phone. Don't get a phone call all damn day. I finally call around 6:30 my time and his phone goes to VM. I page him. He texts me about 2 minutes later and says "Gimme a few mins. Back in hospital with moms" I respond with "okay..take your time and call me when you can." He was at the hospital earlier today because his mom had minor surgery on her hand. I know that because I heard his mom talking about it and he called me this morning from the hospital. Anyhow, a few minutes later I am talking to my homegirl on the phone and I'm also on my laptop so I log into Yahoo! Messenger as invisible. What do I see? This motha-fucka is logged in Messenger saying he's on mobile, meaning through his phone. That was over an hour ago and I still haven't received a phone call. So let me get this bullshit straight. You can't call the woman you are SOOO in love with because you are dealing with your mom but you can be chillin on Yahoo Messenger? And I'm supposed to believe you are talking to a bunch of niggas right? This brings me right back to the conversation with old girl a few years ago.

All these are signs man. I am like the song. Either love me or leave me alone. Seriously. I don't understand why you would even want to fuck with my emotions like that, KNOWING all the bullshit I been through. If you are feelin like you wanna holla at a bunch of bitches or do whatever you're doing then just leave me the fuck alone. Seriously. I wish E never left. Despite all the BS at least he was here and I could pretend I had this happy marriage. Yeah he dogged e out, but I deserved it. I will always only get dudes who I bend over backwards for and who shit all over me. Look at me. I am not beautiful. I am fat, dumpy and grotesque looking. I am so disgusting, so why would somebody want to be with me and be there for me? I will never be happy and have what I long for the most which is a happy loving relationship. I just hate myself I swear to God. I don't even know why I exist.