Third Wheel & Second Best

So now I'm apparently being reduced to being a third wheel, always "tagging along" with what other people have going on. I was texting back and forth with a "friend" (I use that term loosely but that's a whole other story) and telling her that I think the baby's father and I will be going our separate ways, so she invites me over to dinner at her house on Friday. I'm like cool, that will help me get my mind off things. Then she proceeds to tell me it's her, her fiance', her son and his new girlfriend and her daughter. Okay so now it's not just 2 friends getting together to talk, it's your family and me. So I'm a third wheel. I accepted the invitation and THEN she told me who all would be there, so now I don't want to go. This doesn't sound fun at all. It sounds like my kids and I will just be in the way.

Why do I say the baby's father and I will be going our separate ways? Due to a discussion we had last night. Basically, I told him I overheard a conversation among some men who stated that the woman you fall in love with, will not be the prettiest, because the prettiest women don't treat you right since they typically have a lot of "options" in regards to other men. So I posed this question to him because he's told me before, about another woman he dated in which he feels this woman is the most beautiful woman he's ever been with. So I said I felt that if he chose me, he's basically settling and not being with who he truly wants. This turned into a HUGE argument and I haven't spoken to him since. In the entire argument he never disputed what I said about her being the most beautiful woman he's ever dated, which means what I'm saying is true and he IS settling. It's a huge deal to me because when I first met my ex-husband E, he told me he didn't think I was beautiful he thought I was "okay" and as we continued to date I got prettier to him. Even T & J's father didn't really say I was that pretty, but he never gave compliments. Is it wrong to want the person you're in a relationship with to feel like you're the most beautiful woman in the world? I've never felt that way and it's always bothered me. I don't want to feel like someone is settling for me, and if that's the way he feels then I don't want to be involved with him. He can go be with Miss Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

What do I do With All This Anger???

Been a LONG ass time since I posted. I am now 38, and Divorced. T is 16, J is 14 and D is 7. I also have a new baby who is 10 mos old. S is LONG gone and so is G.

My anger comes from so many places I don't even know if I can write it all down. I am VERY angry at E, my ex-husband. When all was said and done, he scurried away to be with "The Whore" in California. I will forever hate that woman, because she persued him knowing he was a married man. Of course I can't completely blame her because he ran to her just as fast as she ran to him. However, it was not her place to stick her fat ass nose in my marriage and he ran off and has never looked back. He hasn't seen D since he left, and now doesn't even call, e-mail nothing and provides not one thin time in child support. REALLY makes me angry. I struggle so hard to raise my son and stay on top of everything but it's hard. He married "The Whore in April 2009 in Las Vegas, and they just went there for Christmas and New Years. I LOVE finding this bullshit out but he can't call his own son or send a fucking penny to help take care of him. I HATE him and harbor so much resentment towards him I don't know how to get over it.

I'm angry at my mother for even bringing us to this stupid ass state. I wanted to stay in California. Which going back to my ex-whore-husband, that's where he lives now. In the fucking bay area of California where I grew up. Why can't he take his fat ass back to Jersey. Ugh. I feel like if we would have stayed there, my life would have taken a WHOLE different direction than the bullshit that it is now. My mother and my relationship is beyond fucked up, we don't have one. I know she favors my sister over me; she always has. I will never be up to her standards so I stopped trying. Fuck it. It's not worth the stress. She and my sister can have each other and I'll just keep to myself like I have been for the last few years.

I'm angry about my finances. I've got so much shit going on and not enough money to go around and NO ONE to turn to for help. I'm trying to keep this all together and it's NOT working. Right now my car is in the shop and I've got to figure out how to come up with $841 in 3 days to pay for it. Being a single parent is the hardest thing ever.

I'm so depressed about being by myself all the time that I've gained a ton of weight.I feel fat and stupid and lazy and weak every day. I HATE, HATE HATE my life. I can't say enough how much I hate my life. I look at myself in the mirror and am disgusted by even looking at myself. All of my "friends" are either married or in good relationships so I have no girlfriends to spend my time with or even talk to. I'm alone with my kids 100% of the time when I'm not at work. I have no outlet or vent for anything. I'm so tired of pretending everything is great when really I'm a mess and my life is even more of mess. I cry pretty much every day because I feel like I'm a horrible mother to my kids. I don't give them a stable family life with a mother and father, it's just me. And the saddest part to all of this is that I know it will always be this way; just me and my kids. I was thinking earlier today that at one point I used to believe in family and the idea of family made me so happy; a mother, father, and kids. Spending time together, doing things together, eating together, playing games, going on vacations. After all I've been through, especially in the last 3 years, I no longer believe in it. As much as I tried to give that to D and want that so bad for my baby, it won't happen, and I've even started making preparations that it won't happen and it will just be me. While it makes me sad, it also makes me incredibly bitter and angry and I just wish I knew a place to dump all this anger, all the bitterness and resentment I feel. Why do my boys get the short end of the stick? Why do my boys not get the benefit of a loving home with loving parents? Why do I always get left with a pile of shit to clean up? While the people that helped create it get to go on and live their lives with not a care in the world and I suffer and struggle day in and day out to give the best I can to my boys? Where is the karma for them? Where is my happiness?? Where is my peace? Where is the ability to be able to rest and know someone is there that has my back? It's not there. I hate my life.