Yay!!! A sista FINALLY did it!!! Today I graduate from college. What an accomplishment. I set out to complete this monumental task in April 2001. Now here we are, a little over 5 years later, and I have been through 1 divorce, 1 marriage, a birth of a son and now a pending divorce, and I still did it!!!! Honestly, I am amazed at myself and my strength and today is a day to be thankful to God for giving me a spirit of perserverance and to celebrate !!!!
Since I have absolutely no pictures of myself on my blog, here is a picture of me at a surprise graduation party they had for me at work:
On another note....last night? Not a good night people. The demons came back to haunt me and I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, crying over what did I do wrong that I could not keep E happy? Of course all of my friends are like it's not you....it's him...you did everything you could, but it's really difficult NOT to blame myself. I keep thinking, what if I did this or that then maybe he would still be here. But then on the other hand, with all of the issues we had, maybe he did me a favor. Although my self-esteem is really in the toilet, a little part of me knows that I deserve someone who will treat me like a queen, and he was not doing that. We fought pretty much 24/7....I never trusted him since he cheated on me when I was pregnant with D, and I never felt "special". I think any woman in at least a semi-happy marriage at least feels the love of her husband. I never felt that. It was all about E. When I found out he cheated on me, his comment was that I was not making him feel "special" and that I loved him. So I spent the next 4 years breaking my fuckin neck to make him feel that way, and what did I get in return? Nothing...he very RARELY went out of his way for me and when he did, he made a point of letting me know every 3 minutes that he went out of his way. Then the icing on the cake...he graduates and then...bounces. Nice.
Moving on to dilemma number 2....So 5 years ago before I met E, I was dating this guy. At the time he lived here, but some circumstances arose and he moved back to Chicago. Since he moved back we have always kept in contact in some way, shape or form. Ironically I took D to the beach last weekend, and had my laptop with me, and he was online and sent me an IM. We talked for a little while online and then wanted me to call him, so I did. We ended up talking for FIVE HOURS!! (talk about killing a cell phone!) Anyway it's pretty obvious there are still a lot of feelings there. I mean the only reason we broke up is because he wasn't coming back to Oregon, and after that is when I met E. Anyhow, on one hand, I have absolutely positively NO desire to get involved with ANY man. But I do wonder why it is that 6, 7, 8 months can pass and we still manage to keep in contact. Hmmmmm......
Mothafucka is finer than hell and so sweet it's amazing. A few nights ago we were talking and he could tell me what was bothering me based on the inflection in my voice! WTF?? What GUY pays attention to that kinda stuff??? I am trippin and I need to go to bed. My head is all fucked up...
