Third Wheel & Second Best

So now I'm apparently being reduced to being a third wheel, always "tagging along" with what other people have going on. I was texting back and forth with a "friend" (I use that term loosely but that's a whole other story) and telling her that I think the baby's father and I will be going our separate ways, so she invites me over to dinner at her house on Friday. I'm like cool, that will help me get my mind off things. Then she proceeds to tell me it's her, her fiance', her son and his new girlfriend and her daughter. Okay so now it's not just 2 friends getting together to talk, it's your family and me. So I'm a third wheel. I accepted the invitation and THEN she told me who all would be there, so now I don't want to go. This doesn't sound fun at all. It sounds like my kids and I will just be in the way.

Why do I say the baby's father and I will be going our separate ways? Due to a discussion we had last night. Basically, I told him I overheard a conversation among some men who stated that the woman you fall in love with, will not be the prettiest, because the prettiest women don't treat you right since they typically have a lot of "options" in regards to other men. So I posed this question to him because he's told me before, about another woman he dated in which he feels this woman is the most beautiful woman he's ever been with. So I said I felt that if he chose me, he's basically settling and not being with who he truly wants. This turned into a HUGE argument and I haven't spoken to him since. In the entire argument he never disputed what I said about her being the most beautiful woman he's ever dated, which means what I'm saying is true and he IS settling. It's a huge deal to me because when I first met my ex-husband E, he told me he didn't think I was beautiful he thought I was "okay" and as we continued to date I got prettier to him. Even T & J's father didn't really say I was that pretty, but he never gave compliments. Is it wrong to want the person you're in a relationship with to feel like you're the most beautiful woman in the world? I've never felt that way and it's always bothered me. I don't want to feel like someone is settling for me, and if that's the way he feels then I don't want to be involved with him. He can go be with Miss Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

What do I do With All This Anger???

Been a LONG ass time since I posted. I am now 38, and Divorced. T is 16, J is 14 and D is 7. I also have a new baby who is 10 mos old. S is LONG gone and so is G.

My anger comes from so many places I don't even know if I can write it all down. I am VERY angry at E, my ex-husband. When all was said and done, he scurried away to be with "The Whore" in California. I will forever hate that woman, because she persued him knowing he was a married man. Of course I can't completely blame her because he ran to her just as fast as she ran to him. However, it was not her place to stick her fat ass nose in my marriage and he ran off and has never looked back. He hasn't seen D since he left, and now doesn't even call, e-mail nothing and provides not one thin time in child support. REALLY makes me angry. I struggle so hard to raise my son and stay on top of everything but it's hard. He married "The Whore in April 2009 in Las Vegas, and they just went there for Christmas and New Years. I LOVE finding this bullshit out but he can't call his own son or send a fucking penny to help take care of him. I HATE him and harbor so much resentment towards him I don't know how to get over it.

I'm angry at my mother for even bringing us to this stupid ass state. I wanted to stay in California. Which going back to my ex-whore-husband, that's where he lives now. In the fucking bay area of California where I grew up. Why can't he take his fat ass back to Jersey. Ugh. I feel like if we would have stayed there, my life would have taken a WHOLE different direction than the bullshit that it is now. My mother and my relationship is beyond fucked up, we don't have one. I know she favors my sister over me; she always has. I will never be up to her standards so I stopped trying. Fuck it. It's not worth the stress. She and my sister can have each other and I'll just keep to myself like I have been for the last few years.

I'm angry about my finances. I've got so much shit going on and not enough money to go around and NO ONE to turn to for help. I'm trying to keep this all together and it's NOT working. Right now my car is in the shop and I've got to figure out how to come up with $841 in 3 days to pay for it. Being a single parent is the hardest thing ever.

I'm so depressed about being by myself all the time that I've gained a ton of weight.I feel fat and stupid and lazy and weak every day. I HATE, HATE HATE my life. I can't say enough how much I hate my life. I look at myself in the mirror and am disgusted by even looking at myself. All of my "friends" are either married or in good relationships so I have no girlfriends to spend my time with or even talk to. I'm alone with my kids 100% of the time when I'm not at work. I have no outlet or vent for anything. I'm so tired of pretending everything is great when really I'm a mess and my life is even more of mess. I cry pretty much every day because I feel like I'm a horrible mother to my kids. I don't give them a stable family life with a mother and father, it's just me. And the saddest part to all of this is that I know it will always be this way; just me and my kids. I was thinking earlier today that at one point I used to believe in family and the idea of family made me so happy; a mother, father, and kids. Spending time together, doing things together, eating together, playing games, going on vacations. After all I've been through, especially in the last 3 years, I no longer believe in it. As much as I tried to give that to D and want that so bad for my baby, it won't happen, and I've even started making preparations that it won't happen and it will just be me. While it makes me sad, it also makes me incredibly bitter and angry and I just wish I knew a place to dump all this anger, all the bitterness and resentment I feel. Why do my boys get the short end of the stick? Why do my boys not get the benefit of a loving home with loving parents? Why do I always get left with a pile of shit to clean up? While the people that helped create it get to go on and live their lives with not a care in the world and I suffer and struggle day in and day out to give the best I can to my boys? Where is the karma for them? Where is my happiness?? Where is my peace? Where is the ability to be able to rest and know someone is there that has my back? It's not there. I hate my life.

Fog

My head that is. It's in a fog. I don't know what to think about S. I mean does dude really like me or am I just stupid and can't see the forest for the trees?? We just spent another evening/day together. He came over to my house last night after he got off work and we went to have some drinks at this bar. Damn he was looking so good!! After I got good and wasted, we came back to my house. He was at my house until around 3:00 in the afternoon on Saturday, and left because I had to get ready for a candle party I was having at my house at 7:00. Plus he was not feeling well.

I think the thing that has me twisted was a comment he made while we were talking about my girlfriend K who is having some issues determining the difference between a booty call and a relationship with this guy. I was telling him the whole story and one part is that right after this guy and K had sex, dude went to the bathroom and then proceeded to get dressed and bounce. S goes "Wow that is the ultimate disrespect to just up and bounce. You should at least stay a while and cuddle with her before just dippin out..." That comment had me thinking, "Okay is that where you're doing? Just staying around to cuddle and I am just a piece of ass to you?" Yes I was too chicken shit to ask is that all we are doing, so I didn't say anything. Actually I don't think it was me being a chicken shit, I guess I just didn't want him to say yes, which is very upsetting to me. Then I started rationalizing the shit by thinking "Okay B, you know he deleted his personals ad on Yahoo and his AFF profile and he changed his myspace profile to say "In a relationship", plus he told you the last time you saw him, that he told his mom and all his boys know about you, so OBVIOUSLY he doesn't feel you're just a booty call. " I mean honestly, what dude tells his momma about a girl who is just a piece of ass??!?

I don't know what to think and I swear I have never been in this type of situation before. When I am messing with a dude, I KNOW where I stand with him and if it's just fuckin, or more than that. This one I don't know. I do know that the more time I spend with him, the stronger my feelings for him are developing which is kinda scary when you don't know where I stand.

On the one hand, I can do WTF I want because we haven't officially had "that talk". On the other, it's unnerving to not know where you stand. On top of that, the Hawaii trip is upon me and I don't know who I am taking. I would love to take G, because I know he knows how to play the corporate game and he can get along with anyone. But, we have hardly spoken. We did talk last weekend and I have not called him back since he called me last Sunday. On the other hand I would love to take S because I think we would have a good time together. Apart of me is like fuck both these dudes and take a girlfriend, like K. To be honest, sometimes I REALLY miss G. I was listening to that Bow Wow song, with T-Pain "Outta My System" and I got all misty eyed because I know G is not 100% outta my system. This shit is so confusing.

Head Trippin....

Okay...so like it's any big shocker that I am a nosy mo-fo...Sooo I decide to get online last night on my space, about this same time and check my myspace account. I start e-mailing back and forth with this guy and in my nosiness, I decide to look at S's page, and notice he's changed it!!! He's changed his status to "In a Relationship" and indicated he is only online for "friends and networking" I was like WTF??? However, I also noticed that he added another friend, some girl that lives in Portland, and says her boyfriend is a loser. I also know that he had a personals ad on Yahoo Personals that he deleted and he deleted another personals profile he had set up. So I trip off this shit all night like damn, it's either one of two things, he is really falling for me or he is talking to another girl and has fallen for her. Which I have a hard time believing it's me because if that were the case, wouldn't he say something to me?!? Also I haven't talked to him since Saturday which is not uncommon for us, but how do you decide you are "with" someone and straight not tell them?!? So I am pretty sure he is talking about another female. But then why would he tell his mom and his boys about me? Maybe that's a lie?

So anyway...today I get online to check again and he's marked his profile to private so I can't see anything! So later that night I go online to old girl's profile and she is talking about how her ex-boyfriend is a chronic cheater and hurt her really bad and wrote some blog about it. I am like WTF? Is she talking about S? I notice that S is her only friend except "Tom" who is everyone's fuckin friend!!! So I don't know what to think and I am not about to talk to him about it because really...who gives a damn?!? I mean seriously as long as I am in this state, I can do whatever the hell I wanna do without having to answer to anyone! I am just really head trippin right now.... I don't know what to think....

The Verdict Is...

Wow, I kept y'all waiting, huh? So you wanna know...huh? huh? Okay so the verdict is that I am not pregnant. The blood test came back negative. So my doctor called me and said most likely I had miscarried because it's apparently nearly impossible to have a false positive test. Sure enough, on Saturday I started my period and it was heavy and LONG!! But I am not pregnant so I was pretty relieved about that. So the next week, I saw S for Valentine's Day, and I ended up telling him the whole story. He took it a lot better than what I thought he would and said that he kinda figured I was. He seemed a little sad that I was not and said if I had gotten an abortion and not told him about it, he wouldn't have wanted to see me anymore.

So I saw him again last night/today. We went to a Blazer game together with one of my clients and her husband and he ended up coming to my house afterwards and then we spent the day together today. Although I was hung over to high heaven today and my head was pounding and discovered that in my drunken state last night I lost my debit card. Good Job, B!!! So now I have to go the rest of the weekend with NO access to my bank account accept writing a check..who does that?!? But the more time I spend with him the more I realize that I am developing really strong feelings for him and I think he is for me also. He told me last night that he has told all his boys and his mom about me!!! WTF??!? But I am smiling about it!!

Finding Out Tomorrow....

If I am indeed pregnant or not. Since my last post....a bit has happened. That first pregnancy test I took was positive, but I took another one a few days later...negative. So I took another one the next morning...negative. So I thought..COOL! I just got a false positive and I'm straight! So I have been kickin it! Had a few glasses of wine etc. etc. Tuesday rolls around and my period does NOT come, and I am the most regular female ever. So then Wednesday rolls around, still..nothing. Add to that my boobs hurt and I feel sick my stomach. So I called my OB/GYN's office and tell them what's going on and they tell me to come in for a blood test. I did that this morning and the results should be in tomorrow....Their office opens at 8:30 and I will be calling at 8:30! But I have a meeting at the same time but don't think I won't step out that bitch to make this phone call...fuck that!

On the flip side, I am straight upset. Have not heard from S at all, other than a text message last week that said "Yeah! So I broke it....How are you, B? It's been too long!!!" The broke it meant the silence I guess. I am not one to call and sweat a dude. If he doesn't call me we don't talk. Fuck that. I am not about to be one of them callin all the time females. So anyhow, I responded and he hasn't responded back. So he still knows none of this other "stuff" has been happening which is good I guess. I would rather wait till I know for sure. But despite all this drama, I miss him like crazy. The other day I even got teary-eyed over it. Maybe that's because I am an emotional mo-fo due to the "almost pregnancy" thing.

Oh I have a picture of him. Here it is:

I'll post an update tomorrow. Goodnight all.

Just When I Thought Shit Was Complicated Enough...

I took a pregnancy test tonight because I have been feeling like pure garbage the last few days. Came back positive. Yes people, I just found out I am pregnant. Imagine the look on my face when I looked down at the stick and it popped up "pregnant". I must have sat on the edge of my bed for like an hour just staring at the wall thinking, "Are you kidding me?!?" I have only told a few of my girlfriends, but I have not told S and certainly not G. Yes, S is the baby-daddy.

A whole range emotions are going through me right now....Do I keep it? Do I tell S? Does he have a right to know? Should I just get rid of it and not tell him? Is that fair? What if I decide to keep it? What about G? Fuck the dumbshit, what about me? What do I want to do? Hell, I don't even know. One minute, I'm like okay I am gonna have another baby, that's cool...obviously it was meant to be or I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, right? Another part of me is like? Mo-Fo....you already got 3 that are you taking care of, you don't need anymore! Get rid of it! Then you can go back to kickin it and drinkin and all that! Is that selfish of me? Abortion isn't birth control and it's not the baby's fault that she's here. That's the other part...I have always predicted what I was having and was right. My gut is that this is a girl. I already have a name picked out for her: Alaina Renee Mohr. Then I'm thinking why in the hell am I picking out names? What am I thinking? I have no idea. See how I go back and forth? I'm like psychotic I swear.

Then I think, if I tell S, how do I tell him? Am I ruining his life with this? He is only 26 and it's not like he's professed his long lasting love for me. Homey got issues with shit like that. I mean I can sense he's pretty into me but this is a bombshell.....a big ass bomshell!!! Like Hiroshima big!!! How do you say that? Do I joke about it? Call him? Text him? What?!?

My head is in circles. Plus I am feeling nauseous...again. Goodnight all.